My recollection of my previous ‘Christmases’ was not really a happy picture I could hang on the wall. I was either heartbroken or cold or indifferent. Last year, I was dumped by the man I was supposed to marry. But that’s already an old story. 

So much has happened this year. Great things which totally rocked my world in a beautiful way. Things which I sometimes take as life’s way of making me forget the point where I almost stopped seeing meaning in going through another day. Things which at the end of the day would just make me feel thankful for trusting that everything really happens for a reason. I may not have become ‘the wife’ — the woman I’ve always dreamt of being this year but I’ve tasted independence in my lips. I’ve been to 12 countries, enjoyed a very worthwhile experience in each country and gained valuable lessons in life. I went home 5 kilos heavier, but my perspective expanded exponentially. I liked every inch of it. 

But you know what, at the back of my head, I am nagged by a single question. “Which would I have picked had I been given a choice— my wedding or my European experience?” And I am surprised at myself for even hesitating for a minute there. I was actually thinking how much I would have missed had I indeed tied the knot last Dec 8.

What does this hesitation tell me? That I could actually give up the chance to be with him forever for 6 months in Frankfurt? That I’d choose career over love? Or could it be that my love for him wasn’t as strong as I thought? My love for him wasn’t as solid, as my dream?  

Honestly my answer would have been different had I was asked before he left me. Had I been asked to go to Germany when we were still so in love, I would have said NO right away. I loved him so much that time, I wouldn’t have had the courage to leave, and welcome a very big distance between us. Had I been given that choice last year, my answer would be to stay with him. 

But as you know, he was the one who left me first. I should let that old story end here. 

Let me just go back to the fact that I have every reason to be thankful this year.  

It was like having a very bad tooth extracted. Soon I will forget losing that tooth. And then I will forget the pain. 

I am just thankful for having my life, my family and my friends. I may have spent Christmas being single again, but you know, the reasons to smile never end.         

While on the train, my mind was somewhere else. I had questions I was afraid to answer. Why did things end? How in the world did I end up getting to Ex # 6? How did I not ever find myself being given a second chance, or being begged to give it away? 

Three times I begged for another chance, and it was always too late. In the past, someone asked for one more chance, but I chose to be fair even if it meant breaking his heart. Recently Ex # 6 wants us to get back together, but subject to conditions. My ex-fiance is asking for another chance, but I feel like the love left in me is like a little candle trying to find its way in a big dark room. I feel silly, for the longest time it’s what I’ve always been praying for, but now, that it’s laid down before me, I am thinking twice. 

Why is it that there was never a time when a second chance felt so right? 

Today I learned that ex # 5 just got engaged. It’s been 2 years, I know, any feelings I had for him I’ve put together in a box with the good times I chose to keep over the many nights I cried myself to sleep. But somehow it made a thud in my heart. I never imagined him to marry early, I never imagined he’d be capable of committing. He must have found ‘the one’ already. 

I ask myself why I hadn’t been ‘the one’ for him, or for the rest of them who are all happily married by now. 

I know there must be something amiss about me, but until now, I haven’t got to the bottom of it. I could start counting my inadequacies but by the time I reach the end of my list, I would have lost my esteem already, much more my sanity. I could wallow in regrets and second guesses but clearly there is nothing to be gained, once spilled, it’s spilled. I have made many mistakes, but isn’t love all about acceptance? Isn’t love about second chances? 

People promise you forever, and you trust, and then you break into pieces. It seems like in my case, it took significantly more time stitching back the pieces together than the time I ever felt whole. 

It bothers me, you know. It worries me that I’ll forever be swimming in that big ocean. I will never settle.   

A week ago, I had this interesting conversation with my good friend Melai (she was my classmate from German class and while here in Frankfurt, we clicked!) about why Carrie Bradshaw should end up with Big instead of Aidan in Sex & the City.  Not everybody understands why she had to let go of Aidan, the almost perfect guy who loved her so much, to chase Big, the elusive guy who pops in and out of her life like a mushroom. Not everybody thinks she’s made the right choice, but I do. 

With Aidan, she is content. She is safe, she is secure. He gives her peace of mind. He loved her unconditionally. He even asked her to spend the rest of her life with him.  

But Big was inconsistent. One day he’s at her bed, another day he marries another girl. But she was madly in love with Big! For her, nothing can top that. 

I remember the song “Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you, or are you going back to the one you love? I was asked where I would go. And my answer had always been — To the one I love. 

My dad kept telling me, it should be the other way around. We can always learn to match the extent to which someone loves us. It just takes time. 

I didn’t think it was fair. Or fun. It wouldn’t feel complete. So it’s always been ‘The one I love.’ 

Until more recently I realized I’ve grown tired of chasing love. I’ve grown tired of making someone love me with the same depth as mine. I’ve grown tired of making someone accept me. I’ve grown tired of making someone stay.

 I told Melai, in my case, the older I got the more exhausted I became, about the wild goose chase… or simply about waiting. 

The older I got the more open I became to compromise; the more agreeable I became to give people a chance to love me, and to give myself the time to learn to love them back. In my late 20’s, I have learned to want different things in life. 

Being simply content was okay with me. As long as I am safe, as long as I have peace of mind. 

Right now I am actually thinking whether it is on this premise that I almost got married last year. I wanted to settle down. 

But honestly, as I recall, there was no fire. 

Then he left. He gave up on me. For some time, I begged. Losing him took away the resting place that I had been in for some time. After 8 months, he’s back, and now he wants me back in his life. 

I am not in the position to decide right now. I am away, this is an extraordinary situation. I am vulnerable. 

He called me up this morning and it was obvious how distant we both were. I wasn’t even happy that he called me up. This confuses me. 

He was my Aidan. 

Now I want to ask, where is my Big? Or is there a possibility that Aidan can become Big one day? 

I wanna be madly in love. I wanna wake up wanting a person so much that it hurts. I wanna want him for the right reasons.  

I want fire.  

The contentment, safety, security, peace of mind — I’d like to think that these are the results of finding that one great love. 

I know I’m not getting any younger, but I have realized it’s not a reason to deny myself the chance to experience things that are way larger than me.  

My final question is, “Why should I settle for someone less?”

I will miss this place. For more than four months, it has become a sort of a second home to me. I will miss my hotel. I will miss living alone. I will miss travelling during weekends. I will miss the cold. I will definitely miss the easy life I’ve grown accustomed to. 

On the other hand, the thought of home excites me to the point that I’m actually starting to rehearse how I would pack my luggage. Manila will cower in comparison to Frankfurt, but it is where all the people I love is, it is where I belong, it is where I’ll always go back to. 

Thinking of going back home makes me feel like a child contemplating about that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. There are so many beautiful things that I know are worth looking forward to, but at the back of my head, there are fears that the pot of gold may not even be true.  

Love may not be as real as it feels from a distance. 

Nevertheless, the thought of home warms me. Earlier today, I was out on my terrace, it was some negative degrees today (it’s actually snowing on the hills already), and holding a hot cup of coffee with my already freezing hands made me think about the day I’ll finally be on our doorsteps back home.  

I soooooo miss my family. I had not seen them for four months before I left for Frankfurt, (so add to that another four months) and I tell myself, heck, I wanna see them right now! 

Though I know it as a constant truth, I’m still surprised at how time manages to pass by almost unnoticed. The last time I checked we were 15 in the group and now, we’re down to 6. Everybody has gone back home.  

Just last Friday, I watched how Larn & Rikko (two of my closest friends here) waved their goodbyes from the car window. As with all goodbyes, it was sad, and I remember how it felt extraordinarily cold, as though the wind knew exactly what was going on. 

Oh well, I need to wait a little more days.  

Time has its reputation for sneaking out on us, and I bet the next time I stop and think, I’ll be home.

Current song playing in my mind: You’re toast and jam
And you’re cotton candy
You’re double rainbows
Beside a setting sun
You’re wood burning outside
There’s a fire glowing
You’re sweet as green apples
You must be the oneYou bring me to the heart of a golden man
You bring me to the natural truth
You take me to a solid hollow
And keep me sailing this ocean of youth So take me to an altar of diamonds
And run with me through sheets of jungle rain
Show me all your manly mystery
And let me heal your beautiful painBe my island
In crowds of faces
My oasis
Be thereLead me to the holy water
Introduce me to the place you are from
Wherever you go you know I will follow
So take me there and I will come

Last Saturday, I made a stupid mistake again. We were in Prague, the second most beautiful city in the world (next to Barcelona) — at least for me, and I could not use my camera!  I had my camera with me, but the battery, I foolishly left in my room. I was charging the night we left, and I totally forgot about it. I decided to buy a battery there, but the price was insanely high, and it wasn’t even an original one.  I settled to just having my pictures taken by my friends.  

It’s ok, I don’t mind having my pictures taken by them. But when you see amazing things… and you know too well that these moments will pass… and you’re not capable of freezing those moments into a frame… I wouldn’t really blame you if you cry… 

I was soooo sad. Especially when we were on the New Charles’ Bridge…and it was drizzling softly… and the picture of autumn was perfect… everything was surreal… I couldn’t help my tears. 

It felt exactly the way I felt when I’ve seen snow for the very first time and I had no camera with me. 

It breaks me that all I had were photographs in my mind.

I console myself that it’s the thought that always counts.  But deep inside, it didn’t feel so nice.  For me, being remembered equates to being loved. I feel like this year, I didn’t get enough love. 

I’m being childish, I know. But it’s my birthday. The most special day in my life, and I’m in Germany, continents away from my family and friends. I think I have the right to be a little emotional. 

I spoke with my family on the phone. I miss them. 

My ex called me up 3 times. I miss him. 

The best surprise came from my roommates, Shirley and Tami!!! They sent me this video presentation with my photos and wishes from my friends back home. It was like pambawi from my negative feelings earlier. 

I only have to be thankful that I am still alive, and I’m here in a place where most people only dream about going to.

I miss all of them, and at this point I can’t help but wish that 6 weeks would be over and I’ll finally be home.   

Last year, I have spent my birthday away from my family for the first time, (my hopes that I’d spend it with him were put down when he wouldn’t even have lunch with me coz he was busy with work) but back then, I was in Manila & my family was in Bicol and the distance didn’t feel as great as it does now. 

The thought that I’d be 27 years old scares me a little bit. How did I end up getting at this age with a foreboding that this is how I’m gonna be for the rest of my life? Alone, and searching? 

It’s hard to believe how even with my very simple dreams, I find contentment like a needle on a haystack. My ultimate goal in life is to find my better half, and have my own family, but this seems to be the most difficult target to achieve. At 26, I’ve been to 13 countries, I have reached my dream city, I have built a good career, I have conquered a lot of my fears, I have broken a lot of my own rules but the one simple thing I have been hoping to find has been eluding me and it frustrates me. 

If I was gonna blow a birthday candle today, and be entitled to one wish, I’d wish for love. 

Maybe I can be selfish this time, and not think about my family or my friends or world peace. I wish I could find love, and when I do, I wish it would be as constant as the sea. 

I don’t wanna wake up alone in my bed anymore. I have Badz with me, my gay teddy bear, who makes me smile, but I want a real person. Someone who’d just hold my hand when I sleep and it would be the only security I’ll ever need. 

On my birthday I wish that I’d be able to see the things that are right in front of me. Funny that I am near-sighted and yet I miss the things that are just there before my eyes. I wanna be able to hear the knock on my door, and not the noise at the other end of the hall.  

If I have options, why would I deprive myself of the opportunity to choose? Why would choosing someone over another one bring me feelings of guilt? Why should I take the risk, when I can be so safe? 

I had been taking so many risks for the longest time, and now that there are cushions, why should I choose the rocks? 

Eric Benet sings “ I wanna be loved, faithful & true”… That is essentially what I would tell my birthday candle three days from now. 

Oh happy birthday malu.  

As a child I remembered having a list of things I will never do in my life:1. smoke pot2. get a real tattoo3. to not be able to wait until the wedding night 

Now I have to put an X on item # 1. Soon, I’ll be crossing out item # 2. I actually moved it to my 101 list of things to do before I die. Though I haven’t decided yet what design or figure or whatever it is, the idea of having something permanent with me thrills me… The idea that it’s gonna be there forever… Item # 3 — I can still wait. Even if I’ll be 27 in 5 days, I can still wait.

Anyway, I was supposed to go very detailed on my weekend trip, plus the fact that I actually bought my new camera last Friday, but apparently this turned out to be a bad day for me. So bad that I can’t actually write about how much fun I had over the weekend. 

Seems like my day is in sync with the weather outside. It’s grey, wicked cold, not very nice… 

I’m having a difficult time trying to understand people around me. I know, there’s gotta be something wrong with me, but I know as well, that things are far worse from the other side. I have tried to be patient, and calm, but their indifference towards me is making my nerves burn.  

Gaganahan ka bang magpasunod sa mga taong ayaw sumunod? For some time I took it as a challenge. I told myself, these are the things that would make me learn, that would make me stronger. But over time, they didn’t give me the results I was hoping to get.  

I keep asking myself these days. What is wrong with me? My expectations must be too high. I’m finding it very hard to find a common ground where all of us — in all our differences – would meet and understand each other.

I’m finding it so, so hard and I’ve grown tired already.  

Earlier, I cried. I really could not stand this set up.