hating tequila

12 midnight, Friday, Gweilos Bar with my colleagues

got sooooo wasted that night. so much that i could barely carry my weight. at some point one colleague had to carry me on his back, coz i was told i fell a number of times. such a pathetic scene! i puked 3 times and it was soooooo gross! i totally lost it!

i’m close to swearing i’ll never ever have tequila again… but well…

i guess i just have to remind myself more.

to drink in moderation…

so i wouldn’t fall, again.

so i wouldn’t lose it, again.

but for what it’s worth, i had real fun!

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25

yesterday we would have celebrated one of our monthsaries.

here i go again, am i a masochist or what. i really have to bring it up  everytime i’m close to the road called recovery.

 can’t help it. 25 is our day. the day i gave him my stone heart  and i thought i said goodbye to my cryin days. i gave him my heart, coz he promised to hold it and never let it fall.

but now my heart’s in pieces. and 25 is no longer my favorite number.

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good news, bad news

i ran into a dear friend today. it’s been a while since we got the chance to catch up on each other’s stories that she was totally shocked when i told her my engagement got called off. she was to tell me her good news, that just several days ago, she just said yes to the love of her life. then i told her my bad news. she felt sad hearing about me. i didn’t want to rain on her parade, but inside i was raining.  she showed me her ring. i was honestly thrilled for her, but you really can’t deny the “ouch” that kicked me somewhere. how nice it would have been to plan our weddings together. really nice.

no matter what, i was really happy for her. she deserved it. not that i don’t. maybe it just isn’t my time yet.

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hold on

right now, i feel like that tiny drop of rain. about to fall, even if my grip’s too tight.

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endings

he came last saturday night. we talked for two hours, well, half of it –there were a lot of ‘silences’ in between. i couldn’t believe he actually came to my place. i had been waiting for it, and in my mind i had rehearsed my lines. all the questions i wish he could answer for me, everything… but you know what, i got tongue tied.

he said sorry, for all the pain he’s caused. he said i should move on, be happy. he also told me how hurt he’s been, for all that’s happened. he said if he could bring back time, he would not have rushed.

you know what, i did what i had been telling myself not to do. i begged for another chance.

it just didn’t make sense. there was no other girl. he wasn’t happy at all. like me, he was also suffering. like me, he also felt lost. i wasn’t able to stop myself. i told him to take me back, and promised we’ll work things out, start from scratch…

as i was expecting, i got rejected. he felt hopeless. he just didn’t want to prolong the pain anymore.

it wasn’t a shock, but it still hurt.

i cried so hard.

how did i end up being a pathetic girl begging for someone else’s love?

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again

we were supposed to meet today. but he called it off, again. for the nth time, i can no longer count. i don’t know why this guy never runs out of excuses. on the other hand, i tell myself he could actually have his reasons, which i should not doubt, which i should respect.

waiting like this almost drives me to the edge. i can’t wait for the day i’ll be sitting across him, and validate all theories running around in my head. if there will be answers, i’ll be grateful. if there’ll be even a tiniest ray of hope, i’ll be teary-eyed. if there’s nothing more, then i just gotta walk away and learn about acceptance. i don’t ever want to hate him.

i just wanna get it over with, coz it’s torturing me everyday.

anyway, he said i should go to his place tomorrow instead.  i just hope there’ll be no more excuses.

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closure

he finally agreed to meet me.  tomorrow. 3 pm. at his place. he still didn’t think it was necessary, it’s over and done and all, but he says since i insist like hell, then he might as well get it over with. i’m honestly second guessing, if it was ever a good idea i forced him to talk to me. like this meeting will ever change anything.  he had been closed to the idea of fixing us. he stressed it, for so many times. and for so many times did it hurt too.

he never gave me any reason to hope for anything anymore.

but for the last time i just wanted to see him. maybe hear from him, ask him why.. how.. who?

i just want closure.

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old flame

They were in a great relationship. The kind that started with friendship and ‘developed’ into something more. It was deeper that way. Somehow they knew each other well, loved each other much. Compatible. Inseparable. Everybody could tell it’ll be the two of them at the end of the line. They did too. She probably loved him more, he was her first boyfriend. He seemed happy. She had no doubt in her mind he was the one. He was scared he couldn’t give that certainty.  There was nobody else for her. He was afraid the ghost of a past love hasn’t died yet. But he loved her, he was sure of that. In her mind, she made dreams of them together. His mind did the same, his heart included somebody else. To his mind he listened more, to this girl he gave what he could. He did his part. 

Monthsaries after monthsaries they celebrated. It was a smooth sail for them. Graduation came. He had to leave for board review. She had to stay for further studies. Goodbye for a while. She never expected it’d be his last goodbye.  

Here comes old flame. The girl he loved in high school. The girl he never had. The ghost he’s been fighting all along. After some time they bump into each other. What do you do when you learn it wasn’t a one-sided love story all the while? What do you do when an old flame offers you light? To whom do you turn your back to? The girl you left behind or the girl behind you now?  

He tries to hurl away doubts creeping through him. This is only a test, he tells himself. Just one of those storms that hits you on your picnic in the park. You see, tomorrow the sun’s gonna be back. But looking at the girl he once loved and lost scared the wits out of him. He needs a little more convincing. He felt tomorrow wouldn’t be as sunny. 

He’s torn. He figured he loves them both, but he’s scared to admit who will make him happier coz he knew the answer would make him a bad person. It would be terribly unfair to the girl he made some promises with. He’s happy with the first one. But with the second he felt he’d be complete. He felt sorry for the girl back home. There was no doubt he did love her, and what they shared was true, but this thing he feels for the old flame was so strong he can’t put the fire off.  It was so strong to let go.  

At this point he knew what he wants. It doesn’t feel right, but to him, doing the right thing would leave him in pieces.  If he stays with her, they’d be intact but incomplete. It’s like something’s going to be missing always. If he leaves her now, he’d be her greatest pain, she’d be his biggest guilt, but that would be temporary. In time, he thought, being true would be his only defense. 

But how do you tell the person back home? Do you just say, sorry, I changed my mind? Is it really possible to suddenly change your feelings about one person when an old flame comes along? How do you make her understand that you’d rather let honesty hurt her now than have to have to lie to protect her feelings for God knows how long? How do you say, if you really love someone, you’d be willing to accept that his happiness may lie in somebody else and not with you? How do you ask for your freedom, without breaking her heart?  

The girl back home. She felt deceived. Unfair, she cries.  What happened to the love they shared, the dreams they made? Her whole life has been rearranged to fit him in it. Then he decides to bail out. Unforgivable, she thought. Can one really change his mind that fast? She truly loved him, but she couldn’t quite accept the fact that she no longer was the one who’d make him happy. She loved him, but maybe a little too much to give him up. If she had the choice, she’d fight for him, and bet everything to win him back, but if the guy was begging for his freedom, how do you say no? All she could really do was watch him go. 

So he chooses the old flame. Guy admits it was entirely his fault. He shouldn’t have entered into a relationship when something was still burning at the back of his heart. But it was of no use to be sorry. Spilt milk they say. For a while, guilt was behind them. How can you really be happy at somebody’s expense? But over time, the only thing they could hold on to was that they were being true. No matter how long, the truth will set one free. They’re free now. And they’re very happy.  

The girl back home has healed somehow. All she could do was trust in His plans. Maybe it wasn’t her time yet.  

 

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my weekend

My weekend had been better than the last, thank God and thanks to my girlfriends and Wentworth Miller (Prison Break hottie) for taking away the hours I would have spent sulking had I been alone again. I’ve been really doing my best to live a normal life, after a very sad break up, but it’s a lot of work. The fact that I live alone, and only a block away from him doesn’t really help. And when I remember that the only reason I left a comfortable home in Makati because I wanted to be near him, ouch.

 Anyway, back to my weekend. My girl friends and I watched the World Pyro Olympics last Saturday, and it was a real blast, like a scene taken out of a fantasy.

They were like shooting stars and I had hoped I could make a wish that time. I kind of missed him; he used to tell me we we’re gonna watch this year’s show, but having my pretty friends around made me feel less bad. It was a tiring, long walk home (yeah we had to tread a pretty long distance –mall of  asia to taft mrt- because traffic was hopeless), but we had a wonderful time. 

I also spent long hours with Wentworth Miller. A real hottie! I can’t blame him for the dark cirlces around my eyes. I marathoned Prison Break- Season 1 and I can’t wait for the second season. Maybe next weekend again. 

I still miss him, I really do. But I gotta face the fact. I gotta move on. I owe it to myself. 

 

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over

Today I am officially single. He broke it off with an SMS. He said it was over. He fell out of love. And he was sorry.

It took him more than a month to finally end it. I had been both waiting and dreading to hear from him, though inside I had my fingers crossed. Though it was apparent we were headed to our separate lives, hearing him say it for me really knocked me out. I was in denial.

I wanted to ask him. What have I done to him that made him fall out of love with me?

We were engaged, for Christ’s sake. He was the one who proposed. He was the one who made a promise.

He said I should keep the ring, as a gift from him. I thought, who was he kidding. It will forever remind me of the promise he broke, of how unfair he had been. 

I gave back the ring, he wouldn’t face me, so I had to hand it to his brother. This morning, I waited for him in his office, in my desperate attempt to get him to talk to me, maybe in my last hope to change his mind. But he said he was busy. He didn’t even come down to see me.

Then just like that, it was all over.

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